Today marks my grandma’s 90th

Which means it would have been my late grandaunt’s 90th too. 

I had mixed emotions as this day started. On one hand, so grateful for this special day of my grandma and grandaunt’s birth, yet on the other hand, am still grieving over my late grandaunt’s passing and my heart still swells up over concern for my grandma and how she’s handling all of the emotions.

So I called her. 

Just to chat and hopefully bring a little bit of light into her morning. 

She laughed, she lamented, and she “smiled” through the phone. It was a short conversation, but it did me so much good. 

After doing a bit of chores around the house, I spent the rest of the afternoon listening to podcasts after podcasts, texting Julia about little random & not-so-random things, and later munched on Famous Amos cookies for tea. 

I found myself in a place of deep slowness again. The same place whenever something big hits, and I need to press the pause button in order to breathe again. 

And it felt good. 

Just not doing anything much, except to rest and regroup. Doing the next small thing in front of me, without thinking too much about the bigger picture. 

Reading devotionals and letting God’s truth seep into my soul. 

  
Remembering God’s love and how powerful it is when I allow it to refresh me from within. 

Enjoying laughter with Julia over Indonesian food, and persisting in appreciating the small.

  
Thank God for pause-days. 

Thank God for His unfailing love displayed in the ordinary. 

Thank God for seeing us through this period of grief. 

Thanksgiving for August :)

  
August was a joy, compared to an emotionally challenging July. Lots of me-time, celebrations of birthdays with friends and family, and a ton of smiley photos of Kaelyn & Kaeson, because – of course. πŸ˜‰ 

As August comes to a close, I allow myself to soak in the memories of my late grandaunt…

  
2 days ago, my pastor and aunt visited her in the hospital. After a session of worship, she exclaimed in Cantonese, “εΌ€δΊ†οΌŒεΌ€δΊ†!” {meaning: it’s opened!}

When they asked her what was open, she said, “Heaven’s gates!” πŸ’–

As we go through this period of grieving, I hold onto that beautiful testimony with thanksgiving, knowing that it’s only by His grace that she was able to see and experience such peace. :) 

Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing…

Just received news this morning that my grandaunt just passed away few hours ago. πŸ˜” Shock, sadness, grief…all pulled the memories from childhood out. It’s too much for me to process anything right now, but I’m thankful that she came to know the Lord few years ago, and that she is now with our Heavenly Father. 

Would you please keep my grandma in prayer too? For God’s protection upon her emotions and health as she grapples with this news of her twin sister.. 

We just celebrated grandma’s 90th birthday last night. I’m so glad we did, and that cherished memories were created. 

There’s really no better time to live our lives well and love the people around us – than right now. Only God knows the breath of our lives and everything in between. He knows the beginning to the end. We are but mere human beings, living by His grace and mercy alone. 

  
2 Corinthians 6:10

“sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.”

  
2 Corinthians 13:14

“May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.”

1 year ago…

Bren reminded me few nights back as we were strolling home, saying, “Wow, 1 year ago this time, we were just starting our IVF treatment.

I paused in my steps. Smiled, and said, “Ya…how time flies, and how things have changed.”

I posted this 1 year ago, when we were just embarking on that new season. 

A season of digging deeper into our faith, a season of allowing God to mould us in times of trials, a season of physical and emotional pain, not knowing when the rainbow at the end will ever arrive, especially after we were told that the treatment was not successful.

But the rainbow did arrive. :)

From a place of brokenness and great uncertainty, we held onto His promises by a thread, and now we are experiencing His faithfulness day after day, as our darling baby moves around in me…it’s incredibly surreal. 

God is so faithful. 

And we are so glad for it. :)

  
As one chapter of our lives closes, another always opens and breathes out fresh starts. I’ve learnt that regardless of the seasons, God is forever with me. 

Does that mean I now don’t wrestle with insecurity of the unknown and have it all figured out? Of course not. 

In fact, as the day for baby’s arrival draws nearer, I’ve noticed a subtle anxiety creeping up on me. Thoughts run through my head, causing me to worry a little more. About how baby’s room has not been fully furnished yet…about how there are still items that need to be bought…and books that I’ve yet to finish reading. 

Bren sometimes chuckles out, “Do we really know what we’re getting ourselves into?” to which I’ll chuckle back, “Not really!” 

Guess you’ll never really be ready. 

But God whispers, “You don’t have to have it all together.

So I suck in my shallow breaths, anchoring them deeply in His Word, that He never leaves me nor forsakes me. He has brought about such a miraculous gift of life for Bren & I, and He’ll continue to see us through this last stretch of pregnancy and beyond. 

I’ll simply continue to be faithful to do whatever He asks of me each day, and trust Him with the rest. 

So I continue to prepare breakfast every morning. And bake cakes when I’m in the mood for some. I continue to pray and seek Him every time I feel my heart wandering around in the land of anxiety. And I snap a picture of Bren reading to baby – his little bedtime routine for her – because I never ever want to take such moments flippantly. 

  

And I just let Jesus, be Jesus, in me. 

Stop – & really see…

The gifts bestowed to us on every ordinary day. When the sun rises again, and every new day is marked by His light. 

I want to be fully awake to His presence. I want to be fully present to receive His gifts. 

To stop – and really see the gifts for what they are. Undeserved grace and mercy stemming from His love.

I don’t want to miss a moment of it. Not to be asleep…but to live fully present. To smell, to see, to feel them all. 

Lord, help me.